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i've been meaning to do this for a long time. like make a site that's will be free from scrutiny by others. nobody is going to look at the stuff here. it's just for someone who, perhaps by chance, comes across this text via some search engine and becomes intrigued by my meaningless words. other than that special case, it's really just for myself. i mean for the design to be without frills, just so the words can speak for themselves. so now you're wondering why i'm dedicating this piece of webspace to myself. well, i feel like i don't have a place to express what i really want to express. like the minor fact that i am gay. i am a fag. a queer. whatever you call it. but it's just a title. i've tried not to fall into the stereotype of being a queer guy (i.e. acting straight) but then again, i don't fall into the straight category either. i'm just like this sexless piece of shit that nobody cares about. i am not cute. i am not hot. but i'm not ugly or repulsive either. i'm just asian and gay, which is a self-defeating mixture. there is a pretty good variety of gaysians in berkeley, where i live now and go to school, but sometimes i don't really want to identify with them. first of all, i'm in the closet. i don't even know if i'll ever come out. it's just too hard to be gay and asian. the gay community, as i know it, seems to focus on white gays, and in recent years it has been pretty much ok in the white community to be gay, save some conservative christian fucks. but in the asian world, it's not like that. there aren't asian big heads that come out and disparage asians from being gay. nor are there big heads that come out and promote it. so basically the gay asian community is just put aside and not even recognized. it's just marginalized as something taboo. that's the problem. i've come to terms with myself, since maybe fifth or sixth grade when i truly started having conscious inklings toward other guys. but only recently, after i got to college, that i realized that there is a gay world that is alive, but is still off limits to me. of course, i can come out and shock the whole world, but would i want everything to change? if i did, then everything i did would have to do with my sexuality. people would think i bought those mangoes because i was gay. people would think i like those jeans because i was gay. people would think i love san francisco because i was gay. i just hate how that happens to gay people. especially asians, the older generation likes to typecast people...especially racially. as if racial differences weren't enough for them to handle, now comes the new millennium with its sexual varieties. old confucius doesn't know how to think any more. some of my deepest feelings are quite painful. since it's not obvious that i am gay, like i am not flaming or anything (or so i think), a lot of the pain comes from inside. it's a constant struggle to repress myself and pretend that i am sexually neutral. i don't pretend i am straight, nor do i pretend i am gay. i am gay friendly (in my futile attempt to find a gay friend whom i can come out to) but try to be subtly so, so that my straight friends don't find out. it's a difficult thing to do. i really wish i had someone who knew i was gay. it doesn't matter if it were a guy or girl. i just want to talk on a real level. sometimes i do have my 'gay' moments. like i just want to talk about cute guys i saw or what not. i don't talk about hot girls like straight guys do, i just don't talk about who is attractive and who is not. i really wish i could be more open. i dunno. apollochre. by the way, apollo was a really hot greek god. ochre is a shade of yellow. yellow is asian. apollochre. |